Weeks seem to be going by faster and faster. My spring break came to an end before I even realized it. Time to get readjusted to going to bed early because I have to get up at 5 AM and be a teacher again.
For three more weeks.
I have four days this week, then three days the next week, then four days for my last week. So really... only 11 more days here.
It's all coming to an end so soon... can't wait to see what new beginnings are in store...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
it's a winding road...
So much for updating...
It's April. That means only one more month here and this is over. ONE more month. 30 days. In 30 days we will be having a party in my honor. All day long.
This is good, because it's motivation to not burn out... AND motivation that this is the last month I have to make a difference with these kids. Just one more month...
I'm dreading conferences tonight, talking to parents.... BUT I did get some practice (or preview... :\) yesterday talking to a student's mom after school. Hopefully it won't be too painful, just long.
I know God has me here, going through what I am for a reason, but it's so hard to not want the time to just fast forward through this stuff. I know I don't want to fast forward through the lame stuff... I just want it to go by quickly without me looking at the clock incessantly. That's all.
Lord, make this day go by quickly.... teach me what you need to, but make it go by...
It's April. That means only one more month here and this is over. ONE more month. 30 days. In 30 days we will be having a party in my honor. All day long.
This is good, because it's motivation to not burn out... AND motivation that this is the last month I have to make a difference with these kids. Just one more month...
I'm dreading conferences tonight, talking to parents.... BUT I did get some practice (or preview... :\) yesterday talking to a student's mom after school. Hopefully it won't be too painful, just long.
I know God has me here, going through what I am for a reason, but it's so hard to not want the time to just fast forward through this stuff. I know I don't want to fast forward through the lame stuff... I just want it to go by quickly without me looking at the clock incessantly. That's all.
Lord, make this day go by quickly.... teach me what you need to, but make it go by...
Sunday, March 8, 2009
questions, questions...
This past week on the way to work... I was asking myself why I'm doing this.
Why am I here? Why am I coming back to high school when it wasn't the greatest experience for me? Why?
I see so many kids that just break my heart. Mostly girls. I can see the insecurity in their eyes. I can see those ones that are looking to guys to give them worth and feel like they're something special. I can spot them so easy and it breaks my heart... because that used to be me. I want to show them that they don't have to do that, that they are worth something...
by teaching them Spanish?
...something doesn't sit right about that with me...
That's because the One thing that will give them worth... I can't talk to them about. That's why I don't think this is for me. Yes, being able to speak another language is an amazing skill and I think everyone should speak at least two languages... but whether they can speak Spanish or not isn't going to save their souls. It's not going to give them rest. It's not going to give them purpose. It's not going to restore them. No.
Lo que pasa es que... sólo Dios puede salvar y dar luz... yo, no... ni la capacidad de hablar otro idioma.
y te pregunto otra vez, Señor.... ¿por qué estoy aquí?
Why am I here? Why am I coming back to high school when it wasn't the greatest experience for me? Why?
I see so many kids that just break my heart. Mostly girls. I can see the insecurity in their eyes. I can see those ones that are looking to guys to give them worth and feel like they're something special. I can spot them so easy and it breaks my heart... because that used to be me. I want to show them that they don't have to do that, that they are worth something...
by teaching them Spanish?
...something doesn't sit right about that with me...
That's because the One thing that will give them worth... I can't talk to them about. That's why I don't think this is for me. Yes, being able to speak another language is an amazing skill and I think everyone should speak at least two languages... but whether they can speak Spanish or not isn't going to save their souls. It's not going to give them rest. It's not going to give them purpose. It's not going to restore them. No.
Lo que pasa es que... sólo Dios puede salvar y dar luz... yo, no... ni la capacidad de hablar otro idioma.
y te pregunto otra vez, Señor.... ¿por qué estoy aquí?
Monday, March 2, 2009
if i fail, well then, i fail, but at least i gave you something...
Oh, failure...
I'm not saying that I am one, but I definitely felt like one today. My head was definitely not in the game as far as teaching today. My heart was wrapped up in the ugliness of sin issues I have been stuck in. Wrestling with my thoughts. Not focused on teaching. Not really caring. Fumbling over my words.
Then I realized I wasn't giving them enough time. So I had to change things around, rearrange things a bit.... to give them more time. Then trying to figure out what I was going to do with them on the extra days and how it was all going to work.... overwhelmed. Trying to put together a worksheet last minute.... overwhelmed.
These thoughts of failure and this mess I'm concerned with... they are jailing. And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I am not a failure.
I am free.
Nothing is too big for my God.
I'm not saying that I am one, but I definitely felt like one today. My head was definitely not in the game as far as teaching today. My heart was wrapped up in the ugliness of sin issues I have been stuck in. Wrestling with my thoughts. Not focused on teaching. Not really caring. Fumbling over my words.
Then I realized I wasn't giving them enough time. So I had to change things around, rearrange things a bit.... to give them more time. Then trying to figure out what I was going to do with them on the extra days and how it was all going to work.... overwhelmed. Trying to put together a worksheet last minute.... overwhelmed.
These thoughts of failure and this mess I'm concerned with... they are jailing. And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
I am not a failure.
I am free.
Nothing is too big for my God.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
closer everyday...
Break-throughs, break-throughs, break-throughs. My life is full of them right now. All over the place.
Breakthrough #1:
I don't know if it's just that kids are feeling more comfortable with me or what... but I have students asking me for help, letting me know when their confused, and asking if they can stay after school for help. Even one of my hardest kids who used to shut down when he didn't understand is asking me to help him.
Breakthrough #2:
I'm actually getting opportunities to talk about my faith with my family. It's not much, but... Garrett came to church with Ian and me a few weeks ago. Now he thinks church is cool... if he goes with us. Yesterday I was wearing one of my old bible study shirts that has, "We drink like fish" on the front of it and a verse on the back talking about the Water of Life and my step-dad asked me about it and what it meant- the phrase, not the verse- and I got to tell him, "Yea, the Water of Life! it's about Jesus, not alcohol." That might not seem like much, but it's HUGE.
Breakthrough #3:
This one can be interpreted a little more literal than the rest... the sun is starting to rise around the time I'm going to work again! So literally, the sun is breaking through. But... this is also a bigger deal for me spiritually because the sunrise is a huge way that I connected with God in the fall (see my last post for more) and with where I'm at in my student-teaching right now. The end is near and it's getting harder to want to be here and want to come and teach everyday... but there's only 5 more weeks till Spring Break... and then my responsibilities lessen... and I finish in the end of April. The end is getting so near. The sunrise is HOPE for me.
All of these break-throughs... bring me a little closer everyday.
A little closer to the end.
A little closer to new beginnings.
A little closer to salvation for my family.
A little closer....
Breakthrough #1:
I don't know if it's just that kids are feeling more comfortable with me or what... but I have students asking me for help, letting me know when their confused, and asking if they can stay after school for help. Even one of my hardest kids who used to shut down when he didn't understand is asking me to help him.
Breakthrough #2:
I'm actually getting opportunities to talk about my faith with my family. It's not much, but... Garrett came to church with Ian and me a few weeks ago. Now he thinks church is cool... if he goes with us. Yesterday I was wearing one of my old bible study shirts that has, "We drink like fish" on the front of it and a verse on the back talking about the Water of Life and my step-dad asked me about it and what it meant- the phrase, not the verse- and I got to tell him, "Yea, the Water of Life! it's about Jesus, not alcohol." That might not seem like much, but it's HUGE.
Breakthrough #3:
This one can be interpreted a little more literal than the rest... the sun is starting to rise around the time I'm going to work again! So literally, the sun is breaking through. But... this is also a bigger deal for me spiritually because the sunrise is a huge way that I connected with God in the fall (see my last post for more) and with where I'm at in my student-teaching right now. The end is near and it's getting harder to want to be here and want to come and teach everyday... but there's only 5 more weeks till Spring Break... and then my responsibilities lessen... and I finish in the end of April. The end is getting so near. The sunrise is HOPE for me.
All of these break-throughs... bring me a little closer everyday.
A little closer to the end.
A little closer to new beginnings.
A little closer to salvation for my family.
A little closer....
Monday, February 23, 2009
hope
"there is hope for me yet...."
well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.
After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.
It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.
well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.
After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.
It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
He is
In Exodus, God meets up with Moses for the first time and speaks to him through the burning bush. They begin to have this intense discussion as God tells Moses of His plans for him- that Moses is to go back to Egypt and lead His people out of their slavery there. Moses is so humbled at this and he says to God, "But who am I that I should lead Your people? And how will Your people know that it really is the God of their fathers who sent me? Who shall I tell them sent me?"
And God responds to this with, "I am who I am. Tell the Isrealites that I AM sent you."
I AM. Yah.
Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are...
That's all that mattered, God saying, "I AM" and the Isrealites knew. And they had faith.
The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are...
That should be enough for me, too, right?
The one who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word you speak
You are...
Being in complete awe of who You are...
Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are...
In such complete awe of You that everyone knows...
The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are...
Being in awe of I AM, so my cry becomes You are! and all those who see know... He is.
so I give you all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart...
And God responds to this with, "I am who I am. Tell the Isrealites that I AM sent you."
I AM. Yah.
Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are...
That's all that mattered, God saying, "I AM" and the Isrealites knew. And they had faith.
The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are...
That should be enough for me, too, right?
The one who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word you speak
You are...
Being in complete awe of who You are...
Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are...
In such complete awe of You that everyone knows...
The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are...
Being in awe of I AM, so my cry becomes You are! and all those who see know... He is.
so I give you all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
new year, new...?
This year is starting off hard. Harder than I had anticipated. Which is adding to the frustrations I already had about coming into this year.
My clothes don't fit anymore because I've gotten lazy. Breaking that cycle and becoming disciplined again is going to be difficult, but I know that it will be worth it... and that I will be a much better person with the discipline of running and keeping myself healthy.
I also have 3+ more months being a slave to MSU and the school I am working at. It's incredibly difficult, considering I don't really want to do this for a career and the kids are relentless and not really wanting to learn Spanish.
These were frustrations I already had coming into the year.
Now... I started my last MSU classes to complete the internship. It's looking like a ton of work, all in preparation for getting a teaching job come summer. Which is not what I want. Not at all.
On top of that, my best friend is continuing her internship in full-time mission work overseas. And another good friend of mine has decided to pursue that as well. As excited as I am for both of them for being willing to go... it's so hard for me to sit back and be here because my heart is so willing to go, too...
I know that the Lord has different plans for me... and I have to just be patient and let those unfold... it's just hard.
New Year, new hardship....
learning to cling to the Lord more and more....
My clothes don't fit anymore because I've gotten lazy. Breaking that cycle and becoming disciplined again is going to be difficult, but I know that it will be worth it... and that I will be a much better person with the discipline of running and keeping myself healthy.
I also have 3+ more months being a slave to MSU and the school I am working at. It's incredibly difficult, considering I don't really want to do this for a career and the kids are relentless and not really wanting to learn Spanish.
These were frustrations I already had coming into the year.
Now... I started my last MSU classes to complete the internship. It's looking like a ton of work, all in preparation for getting a teaching job come summer. Which is not what I want. Not at all.
On top of that, my best friend is continuing her internship in full-time mission work overseas. And another good friend of mine has decided to pursue that as well. As excited as I am for both of them for being willing to go... it's so hard for me to sit back and be here because my heart is so willing to go, too...
I know that the Lord has different plans for me... and I have to just be patient and let those unfold... it's just hard.
New Year, new hardship....
learning to cling to the Lord more and more....
Monday, December 29, 2008
looking back
In cleaning my room today, I found a journal I kept during spring semester of my first year of college. So that would have been spring '05, almost 4 years ago. There are a lot of songs that I had started to write, hoping one day to put music to them to play. This one in particular struck me. It was written during a really difficult time in my life, learning to lean on God and trust Him with my circumstances and with what walking with Him really means...
please remember...
it's not me, this weakness that You're seeing
it's not me, this emptiness before You, only 'cause I adore You
hold me tight so I don't fall apart at Your feet
hold me close, make sure my heart still beats
I know it's not much, but I can still hear how I wanted it to sound in my head.
Maybe someday...
please remember...
it's not me, this weakness that You're seeing
it's not me, this emptiness before You, only 'cause I adore You
hold me tight so I don't fall apart at Your feet
hold me close, make sure my heart still beats
I know it's not much, but I can still hear how I wanted it to sound in my head.
Maybe someday...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
wrestling with God
"You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn't meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don't become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 )...We don't have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 16th
Man, that Oswald Chambers... he sure knew his stuff! If you haven't check out that devotional, you really should. He was for sure a man that knew the Lord. I've had this devotional for almost three years now and it sometimes makes me laugh how much I need to hear those things on the day I pick it up.
I attended a funeral yesterday of a loved one's close family member. Death has a way of making you see things differently. For me, it has brought out my feelings of wanting so much more than I'm living right now. I've been fighting the urge to wrestle with God about my current circumstances and where he has me placed right now. It's so hard, but I know I can't fight Him on this. With where He has me right now, I know I need to be wrestling the things of the world that I see around me, not fighting God because I'm not where I want to be.
Thank You, Lord, that You know what Your plan is. Help me to humbly rest in the hope and peace that comes from You. Help me to walk and live each day with obedience and open eyes and heart to the things You have for me...
There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet...
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 16th
Man, that Oswald Chambers... he sure knew his stuff! If you haven't check out that devotional, you really should. He was for sure a man that knew the Lord. I've had this devotional for almost three years now and it sometimes makes me laugh how much I need to hear those things on the day I pick it up.
I attended a funeral yesterday of a loved one's close family member. Death has a way of making you see things differently. For me, it has brought out my feelings of wanting so much more than I'm living right now. I've been fighting the urge to wrestle with God about my current circumstances and where he has me placed right now. It's so hard, but I know I can't fight Him on this. With where He has me right now, I know I need to be wrestling the things of the world that I see around me, not fighting God because I'm not where I want to be.
Thank You, Lord, that You know what Your plan is. Help me to humbly rest in the hope and peace that comes from You. Help me to walk and live each day with obedience and open eyes and heart to the things You have for me...
There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet...
Friday, December 12, 2008
ezer kenegdo
I first wrote this post three years ago on a different blog. From when I was just starting to grow in my relationship with God. He was healing a lot of the hurts of my past and showing me what my worth was.
"It is not good for the man to be alone. So I will make a helper suitable for him." -- Gen. 2:18
When translating this book from Hebrew, the word for that underlined part was ezer kenegdo.
The word ezer is only used twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance, the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
...Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you, you're dead. A better translation of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.
-- from Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge
God made woman last. After he made all of the creatures that roam the earth, after he made Adam to rule over them, after he had Adam name them all. That is when he made woman. The crown of creation. Man couldn't be alone. He needed someone. A counterpart. To share his life with. To share adventures with.
Ezer kenegdo. Life-saver and counterpart. This word portrays not only how powerful the presence of a woman is in a man's life, but also how perfect they fit together.
That's what I want to be.
The things I was learning and the truths the God put on my heart during that time blows me away. Ezer kenegdo has really been on my heart a lot lately.
Ezer means help.
Kenegdo means suitable for him.
That's what I want to be, what I know God created me to be.
I can't wait for that day....
"It is not good for the man to be alone. So I will make a helper suitable for him." -- Gen. 2:18
When translating this book from Hebrew, the word for that underlined part was ezer kenegdo.
The word ezer is only used twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance, the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
...Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you, you're dead. A better translation of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.
-- from Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge
God made woman last. After he made all of the creatures that roam the earth, after he made Adam to rule over them, after he had Adam name them all. That is when he made woman. The crown of creation. Man couldn't be alone. He needed someone. A counterpart. To share his life with. To share adventures with.
Ezer kenegdo. Life-saver and counterpart. This word portrays not only how powerful the presence of a woman is in a man's life, but also how perfect they fit together.
That's what I want to be.
The things I was learning and the truths the God put on my heart during that time blows me away. Ezer kenegdo has really been on my heart a lot lately.
Ezer means help.
Kenegdo means suitable for him.
That's what I want to be, what I know God created me to be.
I can't wait for that day....
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
romans 8:18
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18
This verse was laid heavy on my heart this year back in the spring. Little did I know how this verse would permeate every area of my life as the year comes to a close. The last three months, I have been living somewhere that I don't want to live, going to a job that I don't want to be doing... all because I know this is what the Lord has asked of me. It's so hard to continue living here and coming to this job that I don't like. I want so much more than this...
I love my family. I love speaking Spanish. I love teaching.
But this arrangement... is suffering- for me.
I know I have to just trust God for my future and cling to the hope I know I have in Him.
I know that I can't do this without Him. I can't love my family nor teach these kids without Him working through me.
It's all Him, not me.
This is my hope... that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.
This verse was laid heavy on my heart this year back in the spring. Little did I know how this verse would permeate every area of my life as the year comes to a close. The last three months, I have been living somewhere that I don't want to live, going to a job that I don't want to be doing... all because I know this is what the Lord has asked of me. It's so hard to continue living here and coming to this job that I don't like. I want so much more than this...
I love my family. I love speaking Spanish. I love teaching.
But this arrangement... is suffering- for me.
I know I have to just trust God for my future and cling to the hope I know I have in Him.
I know that I can't do this without Him. I can't love my family nor teach these kids without Him working through me.
It's all Him, not me.
This is my hope... that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
there is hope for me yet...
The days seems to get harder and harder for me to keep getting up, going to school, and trying to teach high school kids Spanish. The novelty has worn off. The kids are obnoxious and most of them don't really want to learn Spanish, they're just taking it because it's the "easiest" class. Those things are only part of why it's getting hard. My passions are different.
Yes, I am passionate about Spanish and I love speaking it.
Yes, I am passionate about teaching.
But these passions I have don't quite fit in this context, which is probably exactly why God has me here, so I can learn to rely on Him more... and really, I don't know if they'll ever quite fit just so that I can rely on Him. HOWEVER, there is a bigger passion that I have that I long to be pursuing WITH the other passions all in one, all together. That passion is Jesus.
Where I am right now is so hard for me because I absolutely long to be serving the Lord, teaching others about Him, and serving Him with my gift of Spanish.
I know that He is using my gifts and talents to glorify Himself in this place and to teach me and to prepare me for other things He has in store for me.... but it's so hard to not really be able to talk about God in my workplace (I can only talk about it if people ask me)
It's so hard to be in this place.
But there's a scripture that comes to mind and gives me HOPE.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." --Colossians 3:23-24
there is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, i have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet
still wonderin' why i'm here, still wrestling with my fear, but oh, He's up to something...
Yes, I am passionate about Spanish and I love speaking it.
Yes, I am passionate about teaching.
But these passions I have don't quite fit in this context, which is probably exactly why God has me here, so I can learn to rely on Him more... and really, I don't know if they'll ever quite fit just so that I can rely on Him. HOWEVER, there is a bigger passion that I have that I long to be pursuing WITH the other passions all in one, all together. That passion is Jesus.
Where I am right now is so hard for me because I absolutely long to be serving the Lord, teaching others about Him, and serving Him with my gift of Spanish.
I know that He is using my gifts and talents to glorify Himself in this place and to teach me and to prepare me for other things He has in store for me.... but it's so hard to not really be able to talk about God in my workplace (I can only talk about it if people ask me)
It's so hard to be in this place.
But there's a scripture that comes to mind and gives me HOPE.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." --Colossians 3:23-24
there is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, i have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet
still wonderin' why i'm here, still wrestling with my fear, but oh, He's up to something...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
joy
I'm exhausted. I had one of the longest days of my life yesterday, got less than 7 hours of sleep and had to be up at five to start a new day. If I could have an IV of coffee pouring into my veins, that would be appreciated. But today, I sit here at my job that I don't really want to be doing, trying to work on things, trying to fight sleepiness...
and I feel this immense joy in my heart.
joy n.
a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
I know, given my current circumstances, that the only reason I can feel this joy is because of God. It's more than just an emotion; it's a soul-deep peace that sparkles in your eyes. When I feel it, I remember... after all that time of not having it, that long year and a half, I remember when my best friend told me, "You've got your joy back."
That soul-touching joy that comes from trusting and following my LORD, Yahweh.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song. -Psalm 28:7
It has nothing to do with external things. Just internal trust and hope.
There is nothing that I like about my circumstances.
but He is my strength and my delight.
amen.
and I feel this immense joy in my heart.
joy n.
a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
I know, given my current circumstances, that the only reason I can feel this joy is because of God. It's more than just an emotion; it's a soul-deep peace that sparkles in your eyes. When I feel it, I remember... after all that time of not having it, that long year and a half, I remember when my best friend told me, "You've got your joy back."
That soul-touching joy that comes from trusting and following my LORD, Yahweh.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song. -Psalm 28:7
It has nothing to do with external things. Just internal trust and hope.
There is nothing that I like about my circumstances.
but He is my strength and my delight.
amen.
Monday, October 27, 2008
my heart
"sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
we could sing our own, but what would it be without you?"
I can't stand this. I'm getting so antsy.
I can't do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to. I know there's so much more to my heart than this. So many more desires and passions. That have been put in my heart by God.
But this is where I am right now, so I know I have to be ALL here. 100%. No less. I can't think and dream too much about the future because I will start living for that instead of living here where God has me now.
I'm so torn. I hate this.
I can't do this without You, Lord.
this heart, it beats, beats for only you,
my heart, my heart is yours...
we could sing our own, but what would it be without you?"
I can't stand this. I'm getting so antsy.
I can't do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to. I know there's so much more to my heart than this. So many more desires and passions. That have been put in my heart by God.
But this is where I am right now, so I know I have to be ALL here. 100%. No less. I can't think and dream too much about the future because I will start living for that instead of living here where God has me now.
I'm so torn. I hate this.
I can't do this without You, Lord.
this heart, it beats, beats for only you,
my heart, my heart is yours...
Friday, October 10, 2008
am./pm.?
I gave my students a quiz today and one of the things on it is telling time in Spanish, which is quite a complicated thing...
I won't get into all of it, but there was something that really struck me today about how WE tell time (in America) that just makes no sense at all. So, just like we have special words for 12 pm (we call this noon) and 12 am (we call this midnight), so does Spanish (mediodía and medianoche, respectively)
On the quiz, there were pictures of a digital clock with AM or PM on the side so you know what time of day it was and students had to write out the times in Spanish. One of them happened to be 12 PM (which is noon) and they all wrote, "Es medianoche"
At first, I thought maybe they were just over thinking it, forgetting that we call 12 PM noon and 12 AM midnight. And then as I started to think about it more... I realized that in Spanish, they gernally use military time (you know, the 24-hour clock) when telling time. So they have no problem distinguishing between the time of day because they know.
What doesn't make sense to me is why on earth would we change the AM to PM at the 12th hour? Think about it... we count 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... and THEN at the next 12, we switch to PM and start over... at 12... and then AFTER 12, we count 1-11...
We think we're so logical and that everyone should just speak English... but really English doesn't make much sense.
Call me crazy... that's ok. I'm a language nerd. I know it. I'm over it.
I won't get into all of it, but there was something that really struck me today about how WE tell time (in America) that just makes no sense at all. So, just like we have special words for 12 pm (we call this noon) and 12 am (we call this midnight), so does Spanish (mediodía and medianoche, respectively)
On the quiz, there were pictures of a digital clock with AM or PM on the side so you know what time of day it was and students had to write out the times in Spanish. One of them happened to be 12 PM (which is noon) and they all wrote, "Es medianoche"
At first, I thought maybe they were just over thinking it, forgetting that we call 12 PM noon and 12 AM midnight. And then as I started to think about it more... I realized that in Spanish, they gernally use military time (you know, the 24-hour clock) when telling time. So they have no problem distinguishing between the time of day because they know.
What doesn't make sense to me is why on earth would we change the AM to PM at the 12th hour? Think about it... we count 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11... and THEN at the next 12, we switch to PM and start over... at 12... and then AFTER 12, we count 1-11...
We think we're so logical and that everyone should just speak English... but really English doesn't make much sense.
Call me crazy... that's ok. I'm a language nerd. I know it. I'm over it.
Monday, September 29, 2008
what's happening in schools today?
Here's an analogy for what is going on in schools today...
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups. He uses the latest techniques based on research.
He never hurts me, and I've got all my teeth, so when I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure the effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said.
"No," he said. He didn't seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?"
It's quite simple," I said. "They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating.
Dentists will be rated as Excellent, Good, Average, and Below Average and Unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists. It will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better," I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to
practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is practicing good dentistry."
"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't all work with the same clientele; so much depends on things we can't control?
"For example," he said, "I work in a rural area with a high percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle class neighborhoods. I don't get to do much preventive work. Many of the parents I work with can't afford to bring their children to see me until there is some kind of problem."
"Also," he said, "many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy from an early age, unlike other parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay." "To top it all off," he added, "so many of my clients have well water which is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. I couldn't believe my dentist would be so defensive. He does a great job.
"I am not!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where I am needed most."
"Don't get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his teeth.
"Try furious. In a system like this, I will end up being rated average, below average, or worse. "Some of my patients who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating actually is a measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left with only the neediest patients. And my cavity average score will get even worse.
On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "Complaining, excuse making and stonewalling won’t improve dental health'...I am quoting from a leading member of the DOC", I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly laypersons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved."
"Spare me," he said. "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully.
The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated and time consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think. This can’t be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he said.
"If you're rated poorly, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had much more experience? Big help."
"There you go again." I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers on an average score on a test of children's progress without regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened. "I'm going to write my representatives and senator," he said. "I'll use the school analogy-surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I see in the mirror so often lately.
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups. He uses the latest techniques based on research.
He never hurts me, and I've got all my teeth, so when I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure the effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said.
"No," he said. He didn't seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?"
It's quite simple," I said. "They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating.
Dentists will be rated as Excellent, Good, Average, and Below Average and Unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists. It will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better," I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to
practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is practicing good dentistry."
"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't all work with the same clientele; so much depends on things we can't control?
"For example," he said, "I work in a rural area with a high percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle class neighborhoods. I don't get to do much preventive work. Many of the parents I work with can't afford to bring their children to see me until there is some kind of problem."
"Also," he said, "many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy from an early age, unlike other parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay." "To top it all off," he added, "so many of my clients have well water which is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. I couldn't believe my dentist would be so defensive. He does a great job.
"I am not!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where I am needed most."
"Don't get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his teeth.
"Try furious. In a system like this, I will end up being rated average, below average, or worse. "Some of my patients who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating actually is a measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left with only the neediest patients. And my cavity average score will get even worse.
On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "Complaining, excuse making and stonewalling won’t improve dental health'...I am quoting from a leading member of the DOC", I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly laypersons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved."
"Spare me," he said. "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully.
The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated and time consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think. This can’t be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he said.
"If you're rated poorly, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had much more experience? Big help."
"There you go again." I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers on an average score on a test of children's progress without regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened. "I'm going to write my representatives and senator," he said. "I'll use the school analogy-surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I see in the mirror so often lately.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
humbled by love
The other night, I got to experience something amazing- being humbled by the love I was shown from another human being. I say human being because there have been many times when I have been humbled by God's love for me... but never His love shown through another human... not to this extent anyway.
This particular day was really hard for me. Something that hadn't really hit me yet until the other day is just how drastically different my community is. Let me explain... last year, I lived with three other girls, one of them was my best friend, and we all grew to be family. I also had led a bible study for the two previous years and always had a group of girls my age who I hung out with. NOW... I live at home with my family. My sister lives in Chicago. My best friend is halfway across the world. My other close friends are either still doing the college thing or live far away.
Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I'm lonely. I'm around people all the time. But I don't have the same relational ties that I had before and my community is completely different. I don't have roommates, I don't have girlfriend, I don't have girl-time, I don't have girls nights out... nothing. I was feeling very alone...
But then there's this amazing man in my life... I shared with him that I was upset and generally why I was upset. And he said he wished he could be there to hug me (but you see he lives an hour away from me) and that was that, he said he had to go run some errands. I was feeling sad again after that because this man is very important to me and I didn't really feel like he cared that much... He called me two hours later to tell me that he was sending something to my house at 8:30 so to make sure I was there. When I pulled into my driveway around 8:25... there he was. Standing in my driveway with a dozen beautiful peach roses (the only kind I like) and with open arms.
I can't even express the humility I felt... I say that in all honesty. I was absolutely blown away by this act of him showing me how much he cares for me and wants to me to know that. Obviously, he knows that he cannot replace my best girlfriend... but he wants to do the best that he can for me to be with me in all situations of my life, in everything. I definitely didn't feel like I deserved it, but that act just points me to Christ...
Here I am,
humbled by the love that you give,
forgiven so that I can forgive
here I stand,
knowing that I'm Your desire,
sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice
majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am,
empty-handed but alive in Your hands...
This particular day was really hard for me. Something that hadn't really hit me yet until the other day is just how drastically different my community is. Let me explain... last year, I lived with three other girls, one of them was my best friend, and we all grew to be family. I also had led a bible study for the two previous years and always had a group of girls my age who I hung out with. NOW... I live at home with my family. My sister lives in Chicago. My best friend is halfway across the world. My other close friends are either still doing the college thing or live far away.
Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that I'm lonely. I'm around people all the time. But I don't have the same relational ties that I had before and my community is completely different. I don't have roommates, I don't have girlfriend, I don't have girl-time, I don't have girls nights out... nothing. I was feeling very alone...
But then there's this amazing man in my life... I shared with him that I was upset and generally why I was upset. And he said he wished he could be there to hug me (but you see he lives an hour away from me) and that was that, he said he had to go run some errands. I was feeling sad again after that because this man is very important to me and I didn't really feel like he cared that much... He called me two hours later to tell me that he was sending something to my house at 8:30 so to make sure I was there. When I pulled into my driveway around 8:25... there he was. Standing in my driveway with a dozen beautiful peach roses (the only kind I like) and with open arms.
I can't even express the humility I felt... I say that in all honesty. I was absolutely blown away by this act of him showing me how much he cares for me and wants to me to know that. Obviously, he knows that he cannot replace my best girlfriend... but he wants to do the best that he can for me to be with me in all situations of my life, in everything. I definitely didn't feel like I deserved it, but that act just points me to Christ...
Here I am,
humbled by the love that you give,
forgiven so that I can forgive
here I stand,
knowing that I'm Your desire,
sanctified by glory and fire
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice
majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am,
empty-handed but alive in Your hands...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
advocate
(disclaimer: this is a long rant)
Of all the roles Jesus plays in our lives, the one of the advocate has always stuck out in my mind. Being a teacher, we often get to be the advocate for our students in order to get them a better education. This is something I have known and, quite honestly, a lot of the reason why I feel drawn to teaching in urban schools. However, not being in an urban area right now, I can see that even these students NEED more than they're getting...
for other word-nerds like me, this is what advocate means:
ad·vo·cate (ād'və-kāt')
1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender.
2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor.
advocate. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved September 16, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advocate
The education system in our country is deteriorating. With standardized test scores determining "good" schools from "bad" schools and how funding gets dispersed...
High test scores = "good" school low test scores = "bad" school
The "good" school gets rewarded for their high marks and received more funding... but wait... how, then,is the "bad" school going to get any better if their funding is less?
So flip it, give low-scoring schools more money and higher scoring schools less... but then what would be the incentive to get high scores on those standardized tests if they know they can get more funding for being "bad"?
In our country, everyone has the right to an education... but what if the things we are trying to do aren't working to get our students the kind of education we are proposing? Shouldn't that warrant change?
Anyone can teach to a test... just because students score high on tests doesn't mean they are actually learning.
What's more... is that our economy becomes more and more globalized, we need to be prepared to enter into that and survive. Just so everyone knows, the world becoming globalized doesn't mean that everyone is going to learn English for us. We have one of the only public school systems in the world that doesn't require foreign (or world, as they are now referred to) languages starting from Elementary School. Knowing more than one language is a skill that our children and our children's children are going to HAVE to possess in order to survive. So if this is the trend and most research points to the fact that learning another language gets a LOT harder as you get older, why is it that World Language classes in Elementary schools are the among the first things to get cut from curricula?
I don't understand it... but this ignorance needs to stop. We can't expect that the world is just going to be at our beck and call and do whatever they need to do to make our lives easier. If you haven't noticed, the U.S. is not the most powerful country in the world anymore...
So what am I going to do about this?
Don't think I haven't thought about it already. I'm not going to be one of those people who have strong opinions and beliefs about something but don't do anything about it. These ideas have struck a chord in my heart... why can't I be the advocate for our students? Why can't I fight for them? The idea that I have right now... is to get my master's degree in Early Childhood Development and advocate for World Language programs and Bilingual Schools. So that every kid will graduate from high school with a high level of fluency in another language.
...or we could just declare a second national language for our country. Then students would HAVE to know two languages.
Of all the roles Jesus plays in our lives, the one of the advocate has always stuck out in my mind. Being a teacher, we often get to be the advocate for our students in order to get them a better education. This is something I have known and, quite honestly, a lot of the reason why I feel drawn to teaching in urban schools. However, not being in an urban area right now, I can see that even these students NEED more than they're getting...
for other word-nerds like me, this is what advocate means:
ad·vo·cate (ād'və-kāt')
1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender.
2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor.
advocate. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved September 16, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advocate
The education system in our country is deteriorating. With standardized test scores determining "good" schools from "bad" schools and how funding gets dispersed...
High test scores = "good" school low test scores = "bad" school
The "good" school gets rewarded for their high marks and received more funding... but wait... how, then,is the "bad" school going to get any better if their funding is less?
So flip it, give low-scoring schools more money and higher scoring schools less... but then what would be the incentive to get high scores on those standardized tests if they know they can get more funding for being "bad"?
In our country, everyone has the right to an education... but what if the things we are trying to do aren't working to get our students the kind of education we are proposing? Shouldn't that warrant change?
Anyone can teach to a test... just because students score high on tests doesn't mean they are actually learning.
What's more... is that our economy becomes more and more globalized, we need to be prepared to enter into that and survive. Just so everyone knows, the world becoming globalized doesn't mean that everyone is going to learn English for us. We have one of the only public school systems in the world that doesn't require foreign (or world, as they are now referred to) languages starting from Elementary School. Knowing more than one language is a skill that our children and our children's children are going to HAVE to possess in order to survive. So if this is the trend and most research points to the fact that learning another language gets a LOT harder as you get older, why is it that World Language classes in Elementary schools are the among the first things to get cut from curricula?
I don't understand it... but this ignorance needs to stop. We can't expect that the world is just going to be at our beck and call and do whatever they need to do to make our lives easier. If you haven't noticed, the U.S. is not the most powerful country in the world anymore...
So what am I going to do about this?
Don't think I haven't thought about it already. I'm not going to be one of those people who have strong opinions and beliefs about something but don't do anything about it. These ideas have struck a chord in my heart... why can't I be the advocate for our students? Why can't I fight for them? The idea that I have right now... is to get my master's degree in Early Childhood Development and advocate for World Language programs and Bilingual Schools. So that every kid will graduate from high school with a high level of fluency in another language.
...or we could just declare a second national language for our country. Then students would HAVE to know two languages.
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