hope

"there is hope for me yet...."

well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.

After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.

It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.

wrestling with God

"You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn't meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don't become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 )...We don't have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 16th

Man, that Oswald Chambers... he sure knew his stuff! If you haven't check out that devotional, you really should. He was for sure a man that knew the Lord. I've had this devotional for almost three years now and it sometimes makes me laugh how much I need to hear those things on the day I pick it up.
I attended a funeral yesterday of a loved one's close family member. Death has a way of making you see things differently. For me, it has brought out my feelings of wanting so much more than I'm living right now. I've been fighting the urge to wrestle with God about my current circumstances and where he has me placed right now. It's so hard, but I know I can't fight Him on this. With where He has me right now, I know I need to be wrestling the things of the world that I see around me, not fighting God because I'm not where I want to be.

Thank You, Lord, that You know what Your plan is. Help me to humbly rest in the hope and peace that comes from You. Help me to walk and live each day with obedience and open eyes and heart to the things You have for me...

There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet...

romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

This verse was laid heavy on my heart this year back in the spring. Little did I know how this verse would permeate every area of my life as the year comes to a close. The last three months, I have been living somewhere that I don't want to live, going to a job that I don't want to be doing... all because I know this is what the Lord has asked of me. It's so hard to continue living here and coming to this job that I don't like. I want so much more than this...
I love my family. I love speaking Spanish. I love teaching.
But this arrangement... is suffering- for me.
I know I have to just trust God for my future and cling to the hope I know I have in Him.
I know that I can't do this without Him. I can't love my family nor teach these kids without Him working through me.

It's all Him, not me.
This is my hope... that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.

there is hope for me yet...

The days seems to get harder and harder for me to keep getting up, going to school, and trying to teach high school kids Spanish. The novelty has worn off. The kids are obnoxious and most of them don't really want to learn Spanish, they're just taking it because it's the "easiest" class. Those things are only part of why it's getting hard. My passions are different.
Yes, I am passionate about Spanish and I love speaking it.
Yes, I am passionate about teaching.
But these passions I have don't quite fit in this context, which is probably exactly why God has me here, so I can learn to rely on Him more... and really, I don't know if they'll ever quite fit just so that I can rely on Him. HOWEVER, there is a bigger passion that I have that I long to be pursuing WITH the other passions all in one, all together. That passion is Jesus.
Where I am right now is so hard for me because I absolutely long to be serving the Lord, teaching others about Him, and serving Him with my gift of Spanish.
I know that He is using my gifts and talents to glorify Himself in this place and to teach me and to prepare me for other things He has in store for me.... but it's so hard to not really be able to talk about God in my workplace (I can only talk about it if people ask me)
It's so hard to be in this place.
But there's a scripture that comes to mind and gives me HOPE.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." --Colossians 3:23-24

there is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, i have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet
still wonderin' why i'm here, still wrestling with my fear, but oh, He's up to something...