hope

"there is hope for me yet...."

well, I was dreading coming back to school today. partly because I slept horribly last night, partly because I know my heart isn't in this. I wasn't sure... how I'm going to get through... how I'm going to make it.
I was rather optimistic on my drive to school this morning. "Only six more weeks..." till my next break, till my responsibilities here will be lessening. It wasn't until I started getting closer to school that I could see it.
I turned going east and saw the sky lightening along the horizon. My heart jumped.
The sun is starting to rise earlier now. Soon, I'm going to get to see the sunrise on my way to school. If any one has been reading this since the fall, you'd know that seeing the sunrise on my way to work was one of my favorite things, one of the ways I experienced God.

After a long winter, those days are coming again.
Hope.

It gives me hope. And it could not have come at a better time...
The end is near. Two months is all I've got. And it's more than enough for the Lord to move in big ways.

He is

In Exodus, God meets up with Moses for the first time and speaks to him through the burning bush. They begin to have this intense discussion as God tells Moses of His plans for him- that Moses is to go back to Egypt and lead His people out of their slavery there. Moses is so humbled at this and he says to God, "But who am I that I should lead Your people? And how will Your people know that it really is the God of their fathers who sent me? Who shall I tell them sent me?"

And God responds to this with, "I am who I am. Tell the Isrealites that I AM sent you."

I AM. Yah.

Lord of empty space
You breathe and then create
Before the earth was made
You are...

That's all that mattered, God saying, "I AM" and the Isrealites knew. And they had faith.

The King of every age
Outside of time and space
The heavens speak Your name
You are...

That should be enough for me, too, right?

The one who calms the seas
And every part of me
With just a word you speak
You are...

Being in complete awe of who You are...

Angels bowing down
Beneath the rushing sound
A voice that thunders out
You are...

In such complete awe of You that everyone knows...

The one who holds the stars
And the beating of my heart
Exalted above all
You are...

Being in awe of I AM, so my cry becomes You are! and all those who see know... He is.

so I give you all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart...

new year, new...?

This year is starting off hard. Harder than I had anticipated. Which is adding to the frustrations I already had about coming into this year.
My clothes don't fit anymore because I've gotten lazy. Breaking that cycle and becoming disciplined again is going to be difficult, but I know that it will be worth it... and that I will be a much better person with the discipline of running and keeping myself healthy.
I also have 3+ more months being a slave to MSU and the school I am working at. It's incredibly difficult, considering I don't really want to do this for a career and the kids are relentless and not really wanting to learn Spanish.
These were frustrations I already had coming into the year.

Now... I started my last MSU classes to complete the internship. It's looking like a ton of work, all in preparation for getting a teaching job come summer. Which is not what I want. Not at all.
On top of that, my best friend is continuing her internship in full-time mission work overseas. And another good friend of mine has decided to pursue that as well. As excited as I am for both of them for being willing to go... it's so hard for me to sit back and be here because my heart is so willing to go, too...

I know that the Lord has different plans for me... and I have to just be patient and let those unfold... it's just hard.

New Year, new hardship....
learning to cling to the Lord more and more....

looking back

In cleaning my room today, I found a journal I kept during spring semester of my first year of college. So that would have been spring '05, almost 4 years ago. There are a lot of songs that I had started to write, hoping one day to put music to them to play. This one in particular struck me. It was written during a really difficult time in my life, learning to lean on God and trust Him with my circumstances and with what walking with Him really means...

please remember...
it's not me, this weakness that You're seeing
it's not me, this emptiness before You, only 'cause I adore You

hold me tight so I don't fall apart at Your feet
hold me close, make sure my heart still beats


I know it's not much, but I can still hear how I wanted it to sound in my head.
Maybe someday...

wrestling with God

"You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn't meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don't become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 )...We don't have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 16th

Man, that Oswald Chambers... he sure knew his stuff! If you haven't check out that devotional, you really should. He was for sure a man that knew the Lord. I've had this devotional for almost three years now and it sometimes makes me laugh how much I need to hear those things on the day I pick it up.
I attended a funeral yesterday of a loved one's close family member. Death has a way of making you see things differently. For me, it has brought out my feelings of wanting so much more than I'm living right now. I've been fighting the urge to wrestle with God about my current circumstances and where he has me placed right now. It's so hard, but I know I can't fight Him on this. With where He has me right now, I know I need to be wrestling the things of the world that I see around me, not fighting God because I'm not where I want to be.

Thank You, Lord, that You know what Your plan is. Help me to humbly rest in the hope and peace that comes from You. Help me to walk and live each day with obedience and open eyes and heart to the things You have for me...

There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet...

ezer kenegdo

I first wrote this post three years ago on a different blog. From when I was just starting to grow in my relationship with God. He was healing a lot of the hurts of my past and showing me what my worth was.

"It is not good for the man to be alone. So I will make a helper suitable for him." -- Gen. 2:18

When translating this book from Hebrew, the word for that underlined part was ezer kenegdo.

The word ezer is only used twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance, the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
...Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you, you're dead. A better translation of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.
-- from Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

God made woman last. After he made all of the creatures that roam the earth, after he made Adam to rule over them, after he had Adam name them all. That is when he made woman. The crown of creation. Man couldn't be alone. He needed someone. A counterpart. To share his life with. To share adventures with.

Ezer kenegdo. Life-saver and counterpart. This word portrays not only how powerful the presence of a woman is in a man's life, but also how perfect they fit together.
That's what I want to be.

The things I was learning and the truths the God put on my heart during that time blows me away. Ezer kenegdo has really been on my heart a lot lately.
Ezer means help.
Kenegdo means suitable for him.
That's what I want to be, what I know God created me to be.
I can't wait for that day....

romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

This verse was laid heavy on my heart this year back in the spring. Little did I know how this verse would permeate every area of my life as the year comes to a close. The last three months, I have been living somewhere that I don't want to live, going to a job that I don't want to be doing... all because I know this is what the Lord has asked of me. It's so hard to continue living here and coming to this job that I don't like. I want so much more than this...
I love my family. I love speaking Spanish. I love teaching.
But this arrangement... is suffering- for me.
I know I have to just trust God for my future and cling to the hope I know I have in Him.
I know that I can't do this without Him. I can't love my family nor teach these kids without Him working through me.

It's all Him, not me.
This is my hope... that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.