looking back

In cleaning my room today, I found a journal I kept during spring semester of my first year of college. So that would have been spring '05, almost 4 years ago. There are a lot of songs that I had started to write, hoping one day to put music to them to play. This one in particular struck me. It was written during a really difficult time in my life, learning to lean on God and trust Him with my circumstances and with what walking with Him really means...

please remember...
it's not me, this weakness that You're seeing
it's not me, this emptiness before You, only 'cause I adore You

hold me tight so I don't fall apart at Your feet
hold me close, make sure my heart still beats


I know it's not much, but I can still hear how I wanted it to sound in my head.
Maybe someday...

wrestling with God

"You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn't meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don't become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 )...We don't have to fight or wrestle with God, but we must wrestle before God with things. Beware of lazily giving up. Instead, put up a glorious fight and you will find yourself empowered with His strength."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 16th

Man, that Oswald Chambers... he sure knew his stuff! If you haven't check out that devotional, you really should. He was for sure a man that knew the Lord. I've had this devotional for almost three years now and it sometimes makes me laugh how much I need to hear those things on the day I pick it up.
I attended a funeral yesterday of a loved one's close family member. Death has a way of making you see things differently. For me, it has brought out my feelings of wanting so much more than I'm living right now. I've been fighting the urge to wrestle with God about my current circumstances and where he has me placed right now. It's so hard, but I know I can't fight Him on this. With where He has me right now, I know I need to be wrestling the things of the world that I see around me, not fighting God because I'm not where I want to be.

Thank You, Lord, that You know what Your plan is. Help me to humbly rest in the hope and peace that comes from You. Help me to walk and live each day with obedience and open eyes and heart to the things You have for me...

There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me, have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet...

ezer kenegdo

I first wrote this post three years ago on a different blog. From when I was just starting to grow in my relationship with God. He was healing a lot of the hurts of my past and showing me what my worth was.

"It is not good for the man to be alone. So I will make a helper suitable for him." -- Gen. 2:18

When translating this book from Hebrew, the word for that underlined part was ezer kenegdo.

The word ezer is only used twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance, the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
...Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you, you're dead. A better translation of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.
-- from Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

God made woman last. After he made all of the creatures that roam the earth, after he made Adam to rule over them, after he had Adam name them all. That is when he made woman. The crown of creation. Man couldn't be alone. He needed someone. A counterpart. To share his life with. To share adventures with.

Ezer kenegdo. Life-saver and counterpart. This word portrays not only how powerful the presence of a woman is in a man's life, but also how perfect they fit together.
That's what I want to be.

The things I was learning and the truths the God put on my heart during that time blows me away. Ezer kenegdo has really been on my heart a lot lately.
Ezer means help.
Kenegdo means suitable for him.
That's what I want to be, what I know God created me to be.
I can't wait for that day....

romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

This verse was laid heavy on my heart this year back in the spring. Little did I know how this verse would permeate every area of my life as the year comes to a close. The last three months, I have been living somewhere that I don't want to live, going to a job that I don't want to be doing... all because I know this is what the Lord has asked of me. It's so hard to continue living here and coming to this job that I don't like. I want so much more than this...
I love my family. I love speaking Spanish. I love teaching.
But this arrangement... is suffering- for me.
I know I have to just trust God for my future and cling to the hope I know I have in Him.
I know that I can't do this without Him. I can't love my family nor teach these kids without Him working through me.

It's all Him, not me.
This is my hope... that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.